I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
