I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
My friends, they love my intelligence
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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