This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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