"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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