Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
