Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
