dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
it was like eating out sand paper
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
pop tarts are not kleenex
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
