i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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