remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
