guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
