Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Sext me about skeletons
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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