last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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