as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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