I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
