I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
