The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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