i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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