the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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