We need to rekindle our bromance
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
