Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Randomize
