My vagina just recognized that song.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
