Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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