R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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