I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
