I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
