we're chasing vodka with high fives
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
