It's just like the Real World with babies
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
