I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
