If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
