Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
