3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
