No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
