We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
