he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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