Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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