I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
