I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
