You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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