you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
