You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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