you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
