I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
