You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So much rum. So many feels.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
