Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
People in love make me want to vomit
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
