The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
