my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
