I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
