omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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