So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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