Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
