Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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