I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
